Tonight I let the sadness come.
I feel disconnected from my children, still there and going through the motions to feed and bathe them but distant…
And tonight I choose gentleness.
Instead of judging and condemning myself again…
For closing my raw heart…
I walk to fill up another glass of milk and I say…
It is okay.
You can distance yourself.
Your heart matters too.
So I do.
And I soften.
And I am gentle…
With myself and
Even more so with my children.
I float up and just keep moving.
Allowing this space from the intensity of the ground level…
And it is okay.
I still love.
I still feel peace and presence…
I don’t want to stay here forever…
Too many years were spent floating and removed.
But for tonight
It is okay.
It is a welcomed reprieve.
An ethereal breath.
I love and forgive me tonight.
Tonight I let the sadness come.
Tonight I choose gentleness.
I appreciate myself.
Happy New Year! This post is inspired (read poured onto my notebook) by the 10th week and final week of The Presence Process. If you often find yourself seeking appreciation and approval of what you do, what you know or who you"be" in this crazy world this post is for you. Through writing this, I was able to FINALLY feel and embody appreciation of myself last Thursday morning. Perhaps you won't have to take yourself though such an intense process and purging in order to embody this by writing your own letter.
I appreciate that you lose sleep over minor injustices done to kids on the playground and brainstorm ways to make it right in the wee hours of the morning.
I appreciate that you see clearly the illusion of separation between humans as well as between humans and nature. I appreciate that you try to fill in the gap with love, acceptance and truth and fiercely commit to shaking people (however ineffective sometimes) from their slumber.
I appreciate that you feel things deeply, sometimes painfully, blissfully and almost always viscerally. I appreciate that you attempt to communicate these Oneness experiences with the intent that others may understand the ridiculousness of continuing the belief of the illusion of our separation.
I appreciate that although you fail over and over in filling this gap...bridging the worlds, that you continue to try over and over (many times to your own detriment and that of your family).
I appreciate the purity of your intentions and motivations.
I appreciate the love you feel to and through your bones for humanity and the earth.
I appreciate that it feels hard sometimes to not have this recognized consistently by the outer world.
I now give you permission to just be.
You have in your body the perpetual feeling of love for other and world, I now give you permission to stop trying,
to stop filling,
to stop bridging,
to stop fighting,
to stop sharing,
to stop talking,
to stop proving,
to stop giving away the love and peace and presence that has been gifted you from God and the Universe.
I give you permission to hold that love, presence and peace in the chambers of your physical body,
allowing them to filter through every system, replenishing and growing to overflow so that your be-ing becomes a natural expression of service, love and peace wherever you go.
Rest now, love.
For lifetime upon lifetime I was nurtured, grown, groomed, prompted, forced, beaten, raped and tortured, encouraged and demanded, patronized and cohered into being a very strong and powerful woman. In THIS lifetime, being a strong and powerful woman has meant fitting into the masculine archetype, structure, idea and reality of what strong and powerful mean. My body is beginning to violently reject the generations of control and even the subtle (cordial) manipulations of our current time and space.
I forgot my indigenous and tribal roots! My natural and animalistic blueprint that burns from the depth of my being… “You have given life to ALL!”
Today I remember.
I let my rage, anger and fear teach me. I allow it to come to the surface, be expressed! I have felt remorse and become curious…
Curious about “why” it was even there and “how” to tame it (NO MORE TAMING)!
And I felt, really felt and I remembered…and I lived….and I learned ...am learning.
In this lifetime I am again made to be a strong and powerful, influential leader! Yet there are no maidens waiting to brush and braid my hair, bath my body and anoint my feet. There is no one to tighten my corset and arrange my features in a statuesque manner as to please the men and masses.
It is up to me to care, to take extreme and luscious care of myself.
This is my work.
I have ruled over souls and kingdoms. I have been the muse and master. I have been the willing courtisane and confidant of many through which my hidden voice made it to the ears that mattered.
Yet I have never ruled over my own body.
This is my work.
I have held meetings in public and in secret, led counsels, kept schedules and agendas to meet the expectations of armies and royalty. I have had time and space handed to me on an elusive golden platter that dictated my comings and goings to the good of all!
And now my body yearns for timelessness.
My body desires to feel safe enough to relax, receive and return to it the compassion that sustained empires.
And that is my work.
To dispel the illusion of my own mind and practice – every day and every moment caring immaculately for my own body, mind and soul.
To relax into my reality to allow the show to go on…because it must.
It must go on and I am the river, trees, mountains, caves and fields of wildflowers through which it lives.
My body, my sacred system cared for exquisitely can and will contain the illusion as it undoes itself.
No more fighting. No more rage.
I’m often asked, how did you do it? Do what, I think to myself, before I remember that the vast majority of people living on this planet are STILL not doing what they love!!!
My response, once I remember I’m living a life that most people still think is not possible, is always, I got pregnant!
I am recommending that ya’ll get pregnant!
But really, I was reflecting on, when the Universe (okay and a couple beers, a hookah pipe and my handsome willing baby daddy) conspired to help me become “with child,”
WHY was this the time I decided to strike out on my own creating my own business?
To some that might seem like the craziest time to take such a big risk!
We’ll it was and it wasn’t. My life was the most unstable it a had ever been having NOT chosen a traditional way to start a family
AND I was taking better care of my body, mind and soul than I ever had in my whole life!
Did you hear that?! I was making myself….body, mind and soul a PRIORITY!!!
I knew how important it was to create an environment for this little one growing inside of me that was nurturing, healthy and loving and so I became grounded in myself for the first time!
Granted, I was doing for someone else (thank you, Louisa!) but I was doing it and that’s when I was able to hear.
This is when I felt and heard the call to something much bigger than myself!
I had always known I had something bigger to offer but this time the feeling in my body gave me no choice but to act on creating the pathway to more love and greatness!
Did you hear that women (and you self sacrificing, over-giving men)!!! The more care I showed myself the louder the calling to do my heart work in the world became!!!
So if you’re ready to figure out what your heart work really is and you have no idea where to start…get pregnant!
Or don’t and just go
drink a green smoothie,
think positive loving thoughts towards yourself and your body,
indulge in relaxation,
go to bed early,
drink lots of water
allow others to take care of you and
open up to the possibility of birthing your own “heart work” into the world!
Short and Sweet! Here they are! I am at your service if you feel that subtle or wild nudging to begin living your life from your heart too!
1) I invested in myself! Yep, I hired a coach! AND it was someone who was living a life of service, love, passion and had already attained the financial goals I was seeking! So, was it a stretch for me? Yes! But was it worth the stretching? Absolutely! Making this commitment to myself made me put my physical energy (money and body) and ethereal energy (thoughts, emotions and spirit) into action every single day!
2) I stayed in the flow. Throughout the process, I listened to my own body, intuition and instincts! I said yes to myself and trusted completely where I was being led in every moment! I stayed present and listened to where I was being led. This does indeed take time and practice AND it's completely possible now!
3) I let myself be seen! I can't serve more people if I'm hiding in stalker mode on facebook! :) I consistently allowed myself to be seen and did things I was uncomfortable with that stretched me as a spiritual and physical being. I allowed myself to be more vulnerable, to possible fail or be rejected (like here when I went into hiding for a year lol). But I cannot serve in a bigger way and build a world I want my children to live in if I am not speaking the truth I KNOW deep down in my soul! We are here to live our unique "heart work!" To love this world in a way only we know how in order to create a more present, pleasurable and peaceful way of being for ALL!
Okay...now get to work! :) Love, love, love!
I’m making some bold claims…not for the weary!
"Let me put it this way...it is foolish and arrogant of us to think that we could ever DO ANYTHING to upset the almighty creator of everything that was, is and will ever be!!!
I believe all experiences we have in life are just leading us closer and closer to oursleves! You are blessed and that God and the Universe are deeply and madly in love with you! We all have our own journeys s to travel and you are traveling yours perfectly!
I believe that God/Source looks at us like little children and if we are on the wrong road the Universe/Souce will gently guide us back to the path that is for our highest purpose. If we don't listen to the gentle whispering it gets louder and louder but NOT in the form of FEAR based beliefs of other people or a society saturated in sacrificial doctrine. It tends to manifest in our bodies and makes us sick or we have an accident or unfortunate coinsidence that is like a slap in the face! Either way, we need to listen and start tuning ourselves into the whispering so we get "slapped in the face" less and less. :)
Your only job is to LISTEN and TRUST (then of course act)! Listen to what the Universe is telling you! How?
What makes you FEEL alive and whole?
What excites you?
What is fun and makes you feel...expansive?
Likewise, pay attention to the times when you are feeling
you are NOT enjoying what is going on.
Those feelings are your key! How did you feel at the work? School? With a certain person? At a specific religious service? That is your clue about whether or not that choice was right for you. If it was FEAR that you are doing something wrong or are not going in the right direction it is definitely the not the right choice for your life! Pay attention to that first subtle clue in your body….don’t wait until you get sick! That is FALSEHOOD and the opposite of LOVE and expansiveness. You can always choose love!!!
You are right where you need to be. If there are things in your life you are questioning...pay attention to how they feel in your body...then have the courage to trust yourself and move forward whether it is in alignment with these things (whether it's a relationship, living situation, or job) or without. The Universe will rise to meet you as you move into being more and more...well...you! :)
Trust the love inside of you! Let's build this foundation of love (not fear) together!!!"
One of my biggest awakwnings came when I literally woke up and realized...
all I have to do in this lifetime to be successful is love. That's it.
In every moment, in every situation, regardless of circumstances,
I just need to love.
It sounds incredible simple and you may be thinking, yeah, yeah, I know...love...God is love, love your neighbor, yadayadayada! But this is different, this is a bodily and energetic/soul EXPERIENCE of what it is to BE LOVE in every moment...for months! I have grieved this time in my life many times over.
I woke up every morning, very organically saying,
Dear Jesus,* Thank you for a new day. Help me to give and receive love as you did. Amen.
I then wrote it on my mirror and it became my mantra throughout the day.
I have never felt so much instant peace in my life!
As I focused everyday on following this heart song, life got easier...things began to flow... hell, even little things like traffic lights routinely turning green as I approached! :) It was like living in a parallel universe were other people would look at me with sparkles in their eyes and wonder how they could feel what I was feeling. I could see love in everyone because the love I felt was being reflected back EVERYWHERE AND IN EVERYONE!
As I passed people on the street, I looked in their eyes and quietly reminded myself we are all children of God and I was instantly connected. This was my first conscious experience of "all is one." Strangers told me their life stories, teenagers confided their deepest longings and pains and I felt incredibly grateful to be a vessel in every moment of love.
Looking back this is the time I began doing "energy work" for people. It was an awakening to what I am called to do here to evolve this beautiful planet of ours and it came through opening my heart, more like my heart being flung wide open... uncontrollably really (but we'll get to that later!) :)
That was it. But that was enough and all I needed to be forever changed!
Why do I tell you this? It's 2012. Shifts are happening. Big shifts and I know many if not all of you are feeling it. I personally believe our world is being rebirthed and we are all feeling the symbolic squeeeeeeeze right now before we pop our heads out into the light.
Old beliefs, systems and institutions are dissolving before our eyes and all I can tell you is...
THIS IS THE BASELINE, THE CORNERSTONE FOR THIS NEW WORLD. NO MORE SURVIVAL, SUFFERING OR PAIN. IT WILL ALL DISSOLVE IN LOVE AND WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN!
So if you've long forgotten your new year's resolutions and already "messed up" the new habits you started in January, or never even tried... I ask you to consider one thing for 2012. Love. The best you can with all your might. Friend, foe, neighbor, enemy, child, elder, animal, plant...
including yourself (which again, we'll come back to :))!
My vision of our new world is one with Love at the bottom of the Maslow's Hierarchy and physical needs, although important aren't even worth considering because we have loved this planet and it people into full bellies, flowing, clean water, clean air and our love for ourseves and this planet emotionally and practically becomes a shelter for all!!! <3
Love. Do it.
*I was a practicing Roman Catholic at the time so of course Jesus was my homeboy. :) I embrace all gurus, teachers, shamans, buddhas, people, animals... real or fiction who live love including Jesus. :)